| its been a while |
[Jan. 27th, 2008|03:53 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | kitchen | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i can hear my dads westerns in the background. | ] |
i think im just no starting to grasp things. but today i was saved from feeling sorry for myself. my friends definatley helped me a lot today, im starting to see the way i need to think but im just not there yet. well eash did move home to michigan and thats been pretty rough on me, especially sice we are taking a break now. i guess its well deserved for both of us. 2007 was a hard year for us. we where a couple who moved in together after only 3 months ofa relationship and really only seeing eachother 6 or 7 times total before we moved in together. im not going to lie, it was hard, we seemed to fight a lot after the newness wore off. but we loved eachother and we made it through. fast forward to now, this break we are on. its a little weird because all we basically eliminated was the commitment. i still love her and i know she loves me, i still wear her rings around my neck. shes still coming to see me and she said we would be intimate, and it has been a while. its not just the sex, there is something about sex that just makes you close to the other person and i miss that. i know its hard for her right now trying to decide what to do with herself, to try and be the best person she can be. its a little odd though, when we were living together i could see her get more mature in front of my eyes. shes supposed to be moving in with kim soon, and i guess thats okay. however on my last trip to see her i had kind of decided that michigan was where i wanted to go. i had decided that she was worth it all and that i really really loved her, when you live with someone i think you lose sight of that or take it for granted. i just wish she knew that whatever choice she makes for her life i will stand by her as long as she loves me. if she moves in with kim i would move to michigan just to be closer to her while still giving her space. if she decided to go back to school i would try to support her finantially as best as i could. if she just wanted to live with hr parents. i dont know what she will end up doing, but i just wish i could have one more chance to do things right the frst time. i messed up a lot in the past year, i didnt treat her the same as how i felt for her. i wish i could tell her these things and not push her away. but the ball is in her court now i guess and now shes deciding her new life will be. i just hope she has room enough for me.
-dustin |
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| jesus christ thats a pretty face |
[Mar. 9th, 2007|05:00 am] |
Hey baby i know we fight. i know we get mad. i know sometimes the only thing keeping us from killing one another is a episode of csi. I just want to let you know how greatfull i have to have you here with me. It seems you were the thing i was waiting for in my life. From the day i was born i have been waiting for something. Every day was just a blur i would wake up in the morning and just wish for the day to be over so i could go back to sleep. I slept most of my life away. I was angry with god, that things werent the fairytale my life was expected to be. I think i just needed someone who needed me just as much. Someone who needed my love just as much as i desperatley needed hers. Paintball helped fill the void, or let me vent my hatred for life. For once i thought i wasnt in the cookie cutter mold i was expected to be, at last i could be the hard rough perfectly fucked up person i wanted to be. I never wanted the mold, i never wanted the things i was supposed to want. I find what i want in you. I want the girl who loves me.. but still chucks beer bottles at my head. The girl who met the weird boy on myspace and knew she loved him no matter how bad of an idea it was. The girl who left at the drop of a hat because she loves me.. because she knew we could handle it. The girl whos tottally crazy about the crazy boy.. I just want too thank you for everything youve done for me. everything that you went through to be with me. Thank you for loving the boy that needed it so much he couldnt breath through the depression, the boy who wanted just a sliver of a hope to get through the next day. Thank you for pushing me to be dustin. Thank you for cuddling. Than you for kisses. You really dont understand how much it means to me. For the longest time i hated myself, i hated myself because no one would touch me. It just seemed that no one saw anything in me, no one understood me. i see now that it was just luck that i didnt have a lover for years. When i reeked of desperation you adored me. I wanted to be with you since i first saw your profile. Im so happy i have you now, im so happy we live together. When you lived in michigan things were so different. I died everyday i knew you could have been with someone else. When i read about you and ron i puked because of the anxiety that came over me.. and i knew you for a week. But i love you so much. He's just some guy that passed up something great. If there is something that i have learned from all of this: "you never turn down a good thing no matter how much you dont deserve it". Because i really thought i didnt deserve you. I know now that it doesnt have anything to do with deserving. The reason we are together is because we needed eachother. You remind me so much of myself its scary. I love having sex with you. I love feeling wanted. i love having a reason to come home. i love enjoying my life. miss you right now a whole whole lot. I think about the times at my moms house a lot. how i would stay up just to watch you sleep, so i wouldnt waste a single second with you. I remember treasuring every kiss every hug everytime i heard your voice. I dont have to remember a whole lot because i still feel that way everyday were together. I could still fuck you 10 times a day. I could still hang all over your at a concert. I still hold you so tight. I still think about the first time we kissed. I still think about it all. I remember not wanting to let you go long enough to go to the bathroom. I remember crying like a little girl in the hotel room thinking that the best thing in my life just walked out the door. I love you lots sweetie give me a call when you get up because your on my mind a whole lot this weekend. The time alone was cool for 2 hours.. now i dont know what the fuck to do.
xoxo<3dsteff
ps. we still havent fucked against a wall. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|01:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | brand new - jesus christ | ] |
I have been trying to figure out why everything seems so bland today.
Why i feel so hollow.
Why work seems so much longer.
Why the days seem so meaningless.
Then i thought of how you kissed me before i left you yesterday.
For a second i could smell the amazing way you smell.
I could feel your soft hands intertwined in mine.
The way your eyes are so perfect when you stare into mine.
How cute you are when you're pissed.
Every day without you sucks.
I wake up take a piss then the rest of the day is bllaaahh till i fall asleep.
The telephone is just a tease.
Everything is just a tease untill i can feellovekissrubtouchlooksmell you.
But i crack a smile picturing you smiling and waving at me as our cars split off 94 yesterday.
Every part of my body tells me not to tell you these things.
My brain tells me i'll drive you away, that you'll get scared.
Im almost scared myself.
But my heart misses you and i have never been one to hide my heart.
I mean really.. its my best part.
I can love.
I love you |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2007|02:12 am] |
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I know you dont understand paintball or even like it. but one day i swear i will make you proud. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|02:36 am] |
This song is kind of the tempo of my life right now.
A long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven
Now the days go by so fast
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And its one more day up in the canyons
And its one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2006|08:44 am] |
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**EDIT** and now its gone. I think i went a little too deep on that one, dont wanna be exposed that much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|02:11 am] |
| [ | music |
| | fort minor - remember the name | ] |
Hello my name is eash, and im amazing.
Hello my name is sleep, me and dustin dont hang out much.
Hello my name is mom, i have lots of issues with my son.
Hello my name is depression, i made dustin a (former)pill popper.
Hello my name is dustin, im pretty amazing.
Hello my name is citibank, i pay dustin.
Hello my name is paintball, i take dustins moneys and shit on him.
Hello my name is music, i fuel dustin.
Hello my name is drugs, they made me look at the world like i do.
Hello my name is dustins brain, im twisted, calm, and intelegent.
Hello my name is morning, fuck me.
Hello my name is caffiene, dustin drinks me lots.
Hello my name is gym, me and dustin will hang out lots.
Hello my name is eash, dustin loves me.
Hello my name is xanx, i'll be controling dustins panic attacks soon.
Hello my name is niggercock, no seriously.
Hello my name is PATD, im pulling the trigger.
Hello my name is mom, i keep trying to make my son conform to some pathetic mold.
Hello my name is lizz, im a natural pessimist
Hello my name is lol, i roflcopter.
<3 |
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| Insomnia. |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|04:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Suck my dick you fucking fagg! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hellogoodbye - dear jamie | ] |
I havent slept more than 2 hours a night in atleast 4 or 5 days. Im bracing for the crash, a fistfull of sleeping pills and a lot of stress will hopefully force the issue. Today sucked pretty hard but i seemed to be real happy through most of it. Its just nearing the end and im a cranky nigger. I Didnt sleep for shit last night.. a few hours but nothing real. Layed in bed all morning and afternoon.. begging for sleep. Went to my piss test, didnt have to pee. I was practically beggin my wee wee to get rid of some pee pee. I chugged water then i finally squeezed some out. 5 minutes later and down the road i literally almost pissed on myself. Then i went to my new job to get fingerprints and fill out security paperwork. Fucking faggot security guards can suck my fucking dick for makign me late to my other job. I get bitched at for being late, then i seem to be doing nothing at work since its my second to last day. grrr im like this all the time its not just becuase im leaving tommorow lol. I get home and i have a letter waiting for me from citibank(new job) and they royally fucked me in the ass on my schedule, they told me originally i was working second shift, second shift is the whole reason i took the job. That and i make 10% higher than everyone else for being on second shift. Well it seems they wanna shift me down to 1st shift without asking me, add that to the list of other shit i have to worry about. I need to rent a car, i dont wanna take the fucking niggerbus. But i will if i have to.. well just because i get to see her ;). Shes amazing and is getting me through this day.. but i miss her so much. I cant stand to be disapointed.. i'll do anything to make it there friday.. i think im going to die... <3
Please come home and stop this pain tonite?
I wanna make a home for us. <3
Dsteff
"When you have insomnia your never really awake and your never really asleep.. its liek everything is a copy.. of a copy.. of a copy.. of a copy..." |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|11:18 am] |
This is too all the women that passed me up, what the fuck were you thinking? Im the coolest motherfucker you are ever going to meet, in all honesty im quite the person. It was bullshit that this world kept me alone for so long. Im over it now because i have the girl i want. What the fuck were you thinking ladies? I hope you have fun being jealous, and wishing you could take it all back while you finally figure out what you missed. Dont bother saying sorry. Its been forgotten
I love my bitch.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me |
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| oh dear? |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|09:17 am] |
Im going to be fucking nuts. i cant wait <3
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|09:40 am] |
I keep telling my self "finding her was the hard part.. leaving isnt.."
only seems to get harder.
Someones gotta move, i cant take being away from her.
<3 |
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| Get a little east infection? |
[Nov. 2nd, 2006|11:30 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | hellogoodbye-shimmyshimmyquarterturn | ] |
You know that annoying couple thats so cute it makes you sick?
Im in that couple know, what kind of mindfuck is that?
What kind of world is it that im a cute cuddely manbeast? wtflol.
Im not going to lie.. i like it. :D |
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| I miss you so. |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|09:51 am] |
love you so much dear.
fuck im an emo bitch.
you do this to me.
i wouldnt have it any other way.
you know who you are :)
so the pills werent a good idea.
they made me sick.
i forgot they made me super emo
bad idea.
now im stoned sick and emo lol
but i am really happy.
finally found somebody.
<3
finally. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|02:19 am] |
Im stressed the FUCK OUT!
Need a new transmission 1000$
got fucked out of money prizes sunday at the field
500$ credit card debt
i need a new job before i get fired..
girls stress me out (not eash)
nothing my good friend budweiser cant fix.. |
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| . |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|07:08 am] |
life sucks kids.
get the fuck over it.
and carryon. |
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| the rise and fall |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|03:45 am] |
its 4 am.
im stoned on sleeping pills.
its like heavy haze with blinding visions.
i can close my eyes.
i see the world illuminated in black and white against the inside of my eyelids.
the music is up.
im far from there.
the world sets me off.
drained and tired of life.
what is this feeling.
what is this world.
what are these emotions i cant describe.
in between a memory and a dream.
as i stare into black i can feel the nothingness.
i can feel the empty.
i can feel the anxious death waiting to escape.
one day i will know what this all means.
sleep is my best friend.
this world is such a disapointment.
the rise and the fall.
everything is worthless.
the only value in this place is the one we assign.
on the outside looking in its so simple.
but you cant look outside from within.
one way mirror.
wrong side.
hopes dreams.. motivation for what exactly.
why?
time to escape to the dreamworld.
where our brains are dumbed down into perfect bliss. |
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| Fuck you. i wanna die. |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|02:56 am] |
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fuck all of you. Dont bother replying, dont try and act like there arent enough reasons already. |
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